I'm still trying to figure out my life at the moment.. Here's a good start to explaining that.
I'm currently on a leave of absence from school because 1) I felt like I just needed a break from worrying about academics and everything, and 2) I honestly though they were gonna tell me to get out anyway due to last semester being awful for me. I blame both myself and my ex for that, but it generally boils down to being my fault either way. I kind of slacked off for the first half of the semester and then she broke up with me and i found out she cheated on me and i got extremely depressed and unmotivated. Thoughts of her and everything consumed my mind and I ended up getting no work done and kind of stopped going to class, and pulling weird ass sleeping schedules to the point where I think there might have been a week where I barely saw the sun.
Now i'm kind of bumming around New Britain, staying at Colin's place because i don't feel like being home (New Milford), away from close friends. And not having money doesn't help anything, so i'm trying to find a job.
The relationship i now have with my ex is kind of too strange to explain. But i know that the nicer she actually is to me, the worse i generally feel during and after seeing her, because i know that i can't be with her even if she tends to act like she did during our relationship. She doesn't even want to try and that's something I really have no control over. But I don't want her to treat me badly just so I won't relapse into the occasional tears that I try not to let her see.. I was feeling a bit better the other day after she had been over and was treating myself, her sister and some others like crap, but even that subsided. And many people agree that it would be a bad idea for me to get back with her anyway, but sometimes your heart just doesn't shut up, and disconnects from your brain. It's lame as hell.
*sigh* I need to meet some new single women that i might actually have a shot at being with.. Everyone keeps saying that they're "Sure I will" or "These things take time, you'll find somebody out there for you." Well that's all fine and good, but I just really want it to happen..
I'm not one of those people who can easily be content being single for the long run. I certainly WISH that I could feel like that sometimes. I just was exposed to how good it feels to be in a relationship for nearly a near, and then dumped on the curb so to speak. And it kinda feels worse than before I ever had a relationship, where i was never thinking I was gonna find someone. It feels so much worse to think that you finally found someone but then find out that the relationship might have been more forced than you ever want to hear about. "I'm not sure I ever really loved you" or something to that effect, is not something anyone wants to hear..
I'm not sure i have much else to say to that, other than I'm just really lonely and feel so even if I'm constantly hanging around other people..
If anyone out there has even the slightest feelings for me, I pray they come forward sooner than later..
thirsty
pissed off