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nightriff
11 January 2009 @ 03:36 am
So hey to whoever all might read this..

I'm still trying to figure out my life at the moment..
Here's a good start to explaining that.

I'm currently on a leave of absence from school because 1) I felt like I just needed a break from worrying about academics and everything, and 2) I honestly though they were gonna tell me to get out anyway due to last semester being awful for me. I blame both myself and my ex for that, but it generally boils down to being my fault either way. I kind of slacked off for the first half of the semester and then she broke up with me and i found out she cheated on me and i got extremely depressed and unmotivated. Thoughts of her and everything consumed my mind and I ended up getting no work done and kind of stopped going to class, and pulling weird ass sleeping schedules to the point where I think there might have been a week where I barely saw the sun.

  Now i'm kind of bumming around New Britain, staying at Colin's place because i don't feel like being home (New Milford), away from close friends. And not having money doesn't help anything, so i'm trying to find a job.

The relationship i now have with my ex is kind of too strange to explain.
But i know that the nicer she actually is to me, the worse i generally feel during and after seeing her, because i know that i can't be with her even if she tends to act like she did during our relationship. She doesn't even want to try and that's something I really have no control over. But I don't want her to treat me badly just so I won't relapse into the occasional tears that I try not to let her see.. I was feeling a bit better the other day after she had been over and was treating myself, her sister and some others like crap, but even that subsided.  And many people agree that it would be a bad idea for me to get back with her anyway, but sometimes your heart just doesn't shut up, and disconnects from your brain. It's lame as hell.

  *sigh* I need to meet some new single women that i might actually have a shot at being with.. Everyone keeps saying that they're "Sure I will" or "These things take time, you'll find somebody out there for you." Well that's all fine and good, but I just really want it to happen..

I'm not one of those people who can easily be content being single for the long run.  I certainly WISH that I could feel like that sometimes.  I just was exposed to how good it feels to be in a relationship for nearly a near, and then dumped on the curb so to speak. And it kinda feels worse than before I ever had a relationship, where i was never thinking I was gonna find someone. It feels so much worse to think that you finally found someone but then find out that the relationship might have been more forced than you ever want to hear about. "I'm not sure I ever really loved you" or something to that effect, is not something anyone wants to hear..

I'm not sure i have much else to say to that, other than I'm just really lonely and feel so even if I'm constantly hanging around other people..

If anyone out there has even the slightest feelings for me, I pray they come forward sooner than later..
 
 
Current Location: Cosgrove's basement
Current Mood: Meh
Current Music: nothing but the sound of Grover playing Fallout 3..
 
 
nightriff
21 November 2008 @ 08:27 am
I just figured this was blogworthy:

I find out today that not only has my ex been lying to me about a bunch of things, one of those included sleeping with somebody.

She admitted to me today that she slept with our "friend" Andrew Legnani, better known as Beardo around these parts, right before our first breakup back in the summer. This is apparently what actually happened instead of some "random party she got drunk at".

Why? She couldn't give me a reason. "I just felt like it" "I was testing the waters" "I didn't want to sleep with somebody like Mike Mac or Colin or someone that would cause issues for the rest of the group" she actually said something like that. In all seriousness, what the fuck?

She also admitted to admitted to sleeping with him again after our most recent break up. While that's less of an issue for me, I'm still pretty dissapointed with her choices.

Oh, and she had the nerve to claim that Beardo is apparently better in bed than me.

I feel like I need to light something on fire.

Comments appreciated.

 
 
nightriff
26 August 2008 @ 02:38 am
So yeah, I figured I'd post an entry for like the first time in forever.

So, yeah, things have been pretty uneventful as of late, tonight I've been sitting here for several hours watching episodes of Code Geass somebody ripped off of Adult Swim and posted to the internet (the heck with all of you who get on my case for watching dubs, I legitimately enjoy them) and honestly it's a pretty epic show and the english dub honestly seems really good to me. So yeah. Jen's been sitting next to me on her laptop either playing WoW or watching umm....The Secret Life of The American Teenager on Youtube. (Yeah, I have no idea.) Eventually we'll both have to go to sleep because she has to go see somebody about going back to Naugatuck this semester at like 8 AM and I have to eventually get home tommorrow. I'm been at Jen's...well since whenever it was that I left Rahul's dorm I guess. I can't remember exactly.

Things of recent interest:

I'm STILL waiting for the now SECOND person trying to fix my truck to try and fix it (claims the entire torque converter needs to be replaced and then it'll work fine. I have no idea but i'm really hoping it doesn't involve the whole transmission. I was just driving it to work one day and it literally stopped at a 4-way intersection, The thing would start and idle in park and nuetral but die in drive. This guy Rob thought that replacing the solanoid on the torque converter would fix it but that didn't work and I was out like $380 for the combined labor, part, and towing fees. Not to mention the guy waited for like a month to actually do anything....which really pissed me off.)

Oh and did I mention that my car had died the DAY before Connecticon? Yeah...not fun. He claims that he'll have the car working for me today but I have my doubts.)

I really don't have much else to say beyond that except for the fact that I've racked up a lot of debt including but not limited to school tuition, credit, people lending me money, etc. I really need to find some kind of part time job up in New Britain once the semester starts if at al possible, and I'm really hoping some loans come through for me.

That is all for now, so until I blog again:

Goodnight Internet.

-Night Riff Out-
 
 
nightriff
17 November 2007 @ 02:57 am
So, I realize it's been a while since I updated this thing, but upon reading my roommate's new blog site, I was inspired to write my thoughts down again.

Honestly, It's felt lately like my life has been playing out like a consistant rerun.  Everyday, I wake up, go to class, and then have pretty much the same schedule for the rest of the day every week, usually consisting of a club meeting, which tends to play out all too simillarly to the week beforehand.  That's just looking at things overall.

Lately, I've been consumed with thoughts of having a relationship with someone, and it's almost as if it's become my basis for getting out of bed in the morning some days.  I know that that probably shouldn't be the case, but I guess I've just gotten tired of being the odd man out of things. I look around and I see relationships forming all around me, and it just gets more and more depressing. I try to shrug it off and go on with things but it's always looming in the background, if not leering right at me.

Yeah, I asked a few people out, If I can even really call it that. It has always been in some inpersonal way, like over facebook, or through AIM, or something stupid like that, mostly because, to be honest, asking these kinds of things in person is still a scary thing me me to attempt. Ever heard that joke about "better off being the one in the casket than giving the eulogy"? I think that might apply here. 

At this point, I don't even know what I'm doing. I've pretty much asked out anyone that I had interest in, and been turned down time and again. And it honestly gets quite depressing. There are a few people around me who probably share in my frustration, but for those few, there are more still who I can't help but look at in envy.  I mean, all joking aside, I had a friend who just the other day was voicing a complaint to a group of us that he "wouldn't be able to have sex for at least 72 hours." Now, I honestly find that obnoxious to listen to, as here I sit, with a good 20 years of nothing under my belt.

I'm not saying that all I'm looking for is sex or anything like that, quite the opposite. If I were to elaborate on what I'm looking for in a relationship,if would have something to do with having someone who is there for you, that you know truely cares, that you could look to my emotional and physical support when you need it. ..Honestly, If I only had someone whose shoulder I could rest my head on and be able to feel like the things I do actual matter, I would be happier than I've ever been before ever.

I'll probably elaborate more on this kind of stuff later, but seeing as it is 3:18 AM and I have to be at the football field at 9 AM for marching band rehearsal, I'm going to cut this short and attempt to sleep.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, and a special thanks to Colin for inspiring me to just get my thoughts out again.
 
 
Current Mood: thirstythirsty
 
 
nightriff
26 September 2007 @ 03:02 pm
Yeah, things are going alright, that is all for now.

Yep.
 
 
Current Location: 127
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: none
 
 
nightriff
14 April 2007 @ 10:09 am
This will not be very neat. I don't feel like typing it again.

my roommate decided to be a complete and total fuckass to me last night, dragging me down to the Vance RA office for like 2 hours, complaining about petty bullshit, a lot of it just to be a nimrod about, random junk that he had never discussed with me about, that i apparently do to make him uncomfortable. So i had to dely my plans for 2 hours while he, i, the director and this giggly RA chick sat around listening to his sarcastic bull. Stuff like "your posters make me feel like a pedophile" WTF, Ranma? He pulled that one out of his ass too.  He really needs to die, this guy. He is a complete and total fuckass that i've been dealing with all semester. And the fucker's leaving for another college, he couldn't just leave me alone for another month? WTF? And he kept on bringing up the most random bullshit (btw anything i accused him of he denied and/or said prove it) I was stupid enough to man up to any mistakes i may have made, he, however, NO! Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. He seriously said: "Joe needs to find times to pleasure himself when I'm not around" WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? and NO! NOTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCKJOB!  I had to waste my fucking time sitting in there listening to it, leaving colin to sit out in the lobby and finally go back to his room. We were trying to leave since like 5, it dragged on until like 7 because the fucker kept on pulling things out of his ass like "joe snores too much when he sleeps" and "joe shouldn't touch the room or fridge thermostats" It was fucking rediculous. "so is there anything written in regards to bodily cleanliness?" he says this shit, in a totally sarcastic tone, and they take him seriously. occusing me of not showering or.,....god he needs to die

So now i have to spend most of today picking up te goddamn dorm for no reason

Why don't I go complain about him?
Because i don't know what more i can do, we were in the office that whole time and i don't know how me complaining about his conduct there when it HAPPENED there will do anything

When i finally was let go i found Colin, and we got the hell off campus for a while. We picked up Kate and Mike Mac and headed off to Barnes and Noble and Borders to make some purchases for J-Pop, in addition to stopping at WalMart so I could buy water, because asshole made a stink that I owed him one (which I did, but that's besides the point). We found a few good things, and then, much to my enjoyment, we ended up going, Well first to a burger king quick, and then to see Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters at the Crowne in Hartford! And for me, It was EPIC. Exactly what I needed to sing the day around. And I honeslty love my friends, and don't know where I'd be without them right now. I truely enjoyed the experience, and the movie was hillarious! The very beginning was worth the ticket price alone.

I'm going to go get some breakfast.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm, Vance Hall
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: none, Mad TV's on.
 
 
nightriff
30 March 2007 @ 05:29 am
So Courtney gives Mike, Rahul and I a ride back up to The Quad after J-Club, we had departed the Student Center just shy of 1 AM. Mike decides he is going to turn in so Rahul and I head to my room in Vance by ourselves, where him and I manage to boot up my old Windows 95 IBM console. We discover it needs an adapter for Cat-5 internet and it needs severe upgrades to RAM and memory to be useful, so we'll be heading to 314 at some point to find that shit. Rahul managed to get it open and look inside after some time. We lose interest after figuring that we can't do any more at the moment, so we sit in my dorm watch Futurama and eating a few snacks. Some time during Family, we get on knock on my door and it's my old roommate Sam, pretty drunk, looking for Dustin. He is obviously upset. We invite him in even tho Dustin is on his second spring break with his girlfriend or some shit.  Apparently he got into a fight with someone while protecting his girlfriend, they apparently both got pushed down a flight of stairs, and she got punched or something and is staying with a friend in James and he is really upset. Rahul and I exchange glances a few times, not really knowing what to do, we eventually convince him to get some sleep and he leaves for next door, we assume.

Things were pretty quiet for a bit after that, when we got a visit from Yury, who had come online saying he wanted to come over and i gave him my room phone, not thinking he actually good. A while passes and my phone rings. It's Yury, outside Vance, so we go down, somebody else let him in and we go back up to my room. He'd obviously been drinking and apparently may have even smoked something. Idk, but let's not judge him horribly on that. Some very interesting conversations were had, even some pretty meaningful ones, and then after much pestering by him, we end up at Sam May at Yury's dorm at like 5:15 AM and we're still there.

What a random night it's been.
 
 
Current Location: Sam May, Yury's dorm
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Pet Shop Boys
 
 
nightriff
20 March 2007 @ 01:26 am

Hey all 3 of you who might end up reading this, but I thought I might as well get my thoughts and experiences of late down somewhere.

Tuesday morning at around 9:30 I departed from Kaiser on a bus headed towards the airport with the Pep Band. The director asked me to fill in as they were lacking people and i gladly accepted. It was certainly more of a "Spring Break" than I was going to get at home, add in the fact that it excuses us from two concerts. My tux wasn't even clean.

So after experiencing my first airplane flight (which was cool except for waking up and not being able to hear) We arrive in Kentucky with pretty much loads of time to ourselves in a great hotel (thank you NCAA, the College Republicans' motel in DC could hold a match, let alone a candle to the Crown Royale). It was in a great location, there was a dang Rite Aid not 100 yards from the hotel and many restaurants within walking distance.

To cut things short it was a very fun trip, i hung out with Chibi alot, as well as with band friends that i haven't really been able to connect with since back when we were still doing Marching band. Aside from having to walk in the rain to the stadium one of the days, everything went extremely well, besides CCSU getting beaten by Ohio State.Oh well, a fun time was ad by all.

If I were to complain about one other thing on said trip, I ended up rooming with the mascot guy, and one of the nights I ended up getting kicked out of the room so he could get it on with some chick. I find that INCREDIBLY lame. But I ended up sleeping in another vacant bed, so, whatever.

We were able to make our flight in before the snow got bad enough on Friday but me and a few others ended up getting snowed in at CCSU an extra night because of the bad weather. At least they let us stay.

So after sitting in my room for a majority of the night, I found out Eric was still on campus because he apparently has a SatAM class, so I ended up hanging with him for a few hours (and pretty much Alyx too, via phone, complements of EZ Harry's phone bill (It's over 9,000!)

Anyway, I've realized just how much I've enjoyed making videos and photos lately and even almost considered making that my major but, one idk what that would be and 2, I doubt that w/e that major is would get me a good job when I get out, so I really don't know.

After finally getting back to New Fuck Milford on Tuesday night, I proceded to sit around with no cable and 56k Dial-Up Internet and pretty much discover the horror that the new format for Toonami (for the uninitiated, action anime block on Cartoon Network, ten years strong) had become. From cool robot, to Thomas the Tank Engine reject. Sadly it's no joke, but whatever, I ended up watching more of my Whose Line DVDs. Happy St. Patricks Day to me..

Sunday brought about the return of WalMart in full force. Oddly enough, I was having a pretty good day and time seemed to go by fast. For a good portion of the day I was pushing carts while listening to my iPod (it really is better than standing at a register) The guy we pay to push carts all day showed up drunk to work and they sent him home! ALWAYS LOW PRICES! Oddly enough, our store was having a dang Guitar Hero tournament in the Electronics dept. What are the odds? So that's were I spent a majority of my break time that day. It was a really off work day and that's what made it semi-enjoyable. On a semi-unrelated note, that third party coffin wireless guitar controller, is extrememly small and odd to play.

Today, worked pretty much plain sucked. My boss at the beginning of my 9 hour shift gave me hours for the week and when i asked about one day, she yanked them away from me and said "FINE, TAKE THE REST OF THE WEEK OFF" and that put me in a very distraught and pissed off mood for the rest of the day, and it didn't resolve itself until the very end of my shift. Horray.

As for good stuff that happened, I ran into 2 good friends of mine, Andrew and Chris Dill. Andrew works in the meat dept. at the adjacent Stop N Shop, and i went over there to see if he happened to be working on my break and he was, and then he in turn came to visit me on his. ANd we caught up a bit. Chris Dill, who I'm sure some of you may remember from the CTConn/J-Club Masquerade/Rave back in December, randomly showed up at WalMart, which was great because I needed a ride out of there at 7 and he had a car. My parents both had to be at some kinda meeting and I would have had to sit there till who knows when. SO him and I ended up catching up, grabbing some McDs, and enduring the again snowy weather first to my house so I could grab some stuff and then to his where we were hanging out until about 12:30, we he hit the sack. I'm still here, enjoying the fast internet, listening to a suprisingly good mix of songs playing next to me on my laptop and thinking about all kinds of shtuff. I AM crashing here tonight.

I may not have been on Campus all of last week but I have at least some idea of what went on, whether it be through IMs, EZ Harry, facebook, LJ, or random phone calls to Rahul. Seems like I missed a lot of random shit.

All I know is I feel like I'm limbo right now, and not just because of this overly boring "vacation" away from Central. Trying to figure out people throught the internet and word of mouth is just stressful as hell. I don't know what I can or should do that's right, I need to get my schoolwork back on track aswell, and I honestly just don't know what the next day is going to bring, certainly not the week once we get back.

All I know is, thank God I have tommorrow off.

 
 
Current Location: Chris Dill's PC
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: "Stinkfist" - Tool
 
 
nightriff
10 March 2007 @ 04:16 am
Well, lots of things have been going on lately. I'm not entirely sure where to start and I don't really know what I'm going to write, but.

This week has been weird. It's been full of new friends, spontaneous events, and others' rage.

I'm grateful for all the relationships I've established with people, and for the most part I think they are too.

I just wish there could be good without the frequently occurring bad situations.

I also wish I was better at expressing myself to people, believe me I'm trying to overcome that, but it's just not something that comes as easy to me as Yury.

Today seemed completely useless because all I did was sit in Vance with nothing to do all day. I slept through the only things i had to do today (get measured for a marching band uniform and retrieve my iPod shuffle from Jeff) and then we didn't even end up going to UHart tonight.

The only thing I did today was go upstairs and watch some Family Guy and South Park with Colin. That was something at least.

On another note, my family called me up to inform me that their travel-able car broke down, so I have no idea if I'm going to have a job by the end of the weekend. Oh well, whatever happens happens. I pretty much hate the job anyway, but need the money.

As for yesterday, considering the events concerning Scott that had occurred the day before I hardly expected to be having a basement rave and that everything would have gone back to "normal" that fast with the guy, but who knows, maybe he's learning.

I'm Out.
 
 
Current Location: My Dorm
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Will Smith - The Fresh Prince Theme (it's on TV)
 
 
nightriff
So I'm randomly on LiveJournal now? Okay.

Tonight was a good mixture of win and fail. What more can I say?

If anything I both strengthened and worsened friendships.

I don't know anymore, but hopefully someone out there actually likes me back.

But I'm glad for the friends I have. Except when they have lame ass superiority complexes. Or when they just go plain nuts on me.

I have no idea.  Let's see how tommorrow goes.
 
 
Current Location: The Cavern
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: Mirrors Paradise - The Kovenant